


My Mad Fat Diary Christmas fic 2014

by MirandasMadeOfStone



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Chance Meetings, Christmas, Dog - Freeform, F/M, First Kiss, First Time, Landlady - Freeform, Love Confessions, Misunderstandings, Snow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-22
Updated: 2015-02-22
Packaged: 2018-03-14 16:16:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3417251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MirandasMadeOfStone/pseuds/MirandasMadeOfStone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Happy Christmas to facephase, from your Secret Santa. I hope you have a wonderful day and enjoy this story.<br/>I apologise for this is rather long. Now this story goes with the picture of DREW (not Nico) asleep on a bed with his dog in the paint-spattered bedroom and I used that pic for inspiration!<br/>See: http://i-dream-of-emus.tumblr.com/post/107459103893/rebelfell-b-but-its-like-this-is-the</p>
    </blockquote>





	My Mad Fat Diary Christmas fic 2014

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Christmas to facephase, from your Secret Santa. I hope you have a wonderful day and enjoy this story.  
> I apologise for this is rather long. Now this story goes with the picture of DREW (not Nico) asleep on a bed with his dog in the paint-spattered bedroom and I used that pic for inspiration!  
> See: http://i-dream-of-emus.tumblr.com/post/107459103893/rebelfell-b-but-its-like-this-is-the

Rae reflects that its probably is rather a strange time of year to move being just before Christmas, but she’s elated. She’s finally left Stamford behind to embark on her new life in London.  She’d been tempted by the offer to rent the small third bedroom in Izzy and Chloe’s flat; and she admits that it would have easiest option, given she hardly knows London at all. But when the offer of a cheap but good sized room had come from Mrs Dewhurst’s sister, she had relished the challenge of making her own way.

She smiles at Karim, who is driving the the van down the A1 on a bitterly cold day with her worldly possessions in the back.

“You OK?” he asks. “You sure you want move to London Rae? You always can stay?”

“Just thinkin’ that’s all. Yeah I’m ready to move on. I can hardly stay at home now I’ve enrolled on on a Masters and Phd course in London. But thanks, Karim… you know I really appreciate all you and mum have done to help.”

He smiles back at Rae and she switches the radio on. She’s soon humming along to Oasis’ 'Roll With It' and her mind wanders back to her previous train of thought.

She’d graduated from Manchester in June and hadn’t known what to do. She’d applied for a Masters/Phd but had been told that she had just missed out on a funded place and they’d encouraged her to reapply the following year. She’d started work in the library in Stamford, just to earn some money whilst rethinking her application, when she’d received the call in late November saying that someone had dropped out and the place was hers if she wanted it.

The last few weeks had been a whirlwind. She hadn’t seen Chloe and Izzy for months. They had lived together throughout University in London (albeit at different colleges) and she’d missed them terribly. They’d all travelled to see each other as much as possible and had at least spent the holidays back in Stamford together. Izzy was dating Chop as she had been since they’d all been in college together.

Chop and Archie were living together in London. Archie was in his second year of his history phd and Chop was working in a garage. She hadn’t seen that much of them apart from in the holidays from university. However, she and Archie would often speak for hours on the telephone. But she had subconsciously made excuses to herself whilst coming up with spurious reasons why she couldn’t’ meet him in person.

She sighs because she understands now that the reluctance was in no way related to Archie, or Chop for that matter; because the painful reality was that it pertained to someone else. Someone she had been great friends with in college, someone she had suppressed the nature of her true feelings about due to her fear of rejection. There had been moments when she had had briefly acknowledge those feelings to herself and she had wondered whether they had been reciprocated.

In retrospect, she thinks she must have misread what she had perceived as signals from him - the physical presence of his body close to hers on so many occasions, the way he had traced letters on her body in their secret mode of communication, the way she sometimes caught him looking at her. There had been more than one occasion when she thought he was going to make a move, kiss her perhaps, say something but it had never happened. That was until that party at the end of her first and his second year at college in Stamford.

It had been a bittersweet party celebrating the end of exams but knowing the group would never be together again in the same way - Chop was to continue working, Archie was off to London to study and he, well he’d been off to Liverpool. In inimitable Chop party fashion, they’d played a very drunken game of spin the bottle. She’d once again found herself in a cupboard (Izzy’s, this time) with him, rather like that time before she had started college. However, this time he’d actually kissed her.

Her breath catches in her throat and she feels her stomach tighten when she recalls the kiss in every exquisite second, replayed in glorious, technicolour, slow motion in her mind. Hell, even now she can remember the slight smell of sweat and Lynx on his skin and the taste of cigarettes and beer in his mouth. That kiss had certainly been something else, neither pulling away when Chop opened the cupboard door; he’d simply tried to shut the door again with his foot.

Her stomach churns when she remembers the seemingly huge crowd when they finally emerged from the cupboard, some clapping and whistling and some jeering so she recalls. She can remember only too well that sinking feeling when the realisation had hit her that he had probably been kissing her because it was a game and because she knew he liked kissing. He had never been short of a girl on his arm, but the relationships had never seemed to last long and none of them had ever affected the way they had spent hours together, listening to music in each other's rooms and talking.

That realisation that the passion in that kiss had not been especially for her and that he would have been the same with any girl, hits her again constricting her chest. She had pushed through the crowd away from him and had made it outside where she had filled her lungs with mouthful after mouthful of fresh air. She had ended up having to press her palms hard against the pebbledash exterior of the house, counting to ten repeatedly. Her panic had been subsiding when he had appeared and put his hand on her shoulder in concern. This gesture hadn’t surprised her as he’d always shown her such generous consideration in their friendship and she surmises that he had probably felt bad for having led her on.

He had tried to hug her, she presumes as a way to try to simultaneously reduce her upset and his guilt. But she had pushed him off and shouted at him and run off in the direction of home. She’d been sitting on a bench head in her hands when Archie had found her and convinced her that he had been distraught that she’d left and somehow Archie had persuaded her to return to the party. She’d comprehended that she really shouldn’t have shouted at him and felt bad that she had allowed her feelings for him to surface such that she hadn’t been able to keep them in check. As a result, their friendship, one that had brought her such happiness and companionship, was now in jeopardy.

When they’d arrived back at the party, she had been nervous and feeling foolish for her previous outburst. Archie had talked all the way back to Izzy’s house about how much he cared for her and how torn up he had been at her reaction to the kiss. They had wandered around the house looking for him and had eventually found him on a sofa in the corner of a room, The Stone Roses had been playing and Stacey Stringfellow had been draped over him, his head was turned away from her and was bowed down looking at some CDs.

She had initially been horrified at the sight that greeted her, especially since he’d once told her that although he’d dated Stacey, they didn’t have much in common and she bored him. But she had rationalised to herself that she was nonetheless a pretty, slim blonde and he was running out of options.

As soon as he’d looked up and seen her he’d got up and walked up to her. He’d thrown his arms around her in a tight embrace but she had backed away. He’d stuttered a few incomprehensible words and then he’d said it.

“I’ve been so worried about ya…so worried…Jesus Rae…. this is my fault…I should never have kissed ya …it was …”

She’d not heard anymore, the pounding in her head and rushing noises in her ears had become too much for her and when she’d run out that time, she’d not stopped or looked back. That had been the last time she’d ever spoken to Finn Nelson. Their friends had tried in vain to talk her into seeing him again but she’d always refused. They’d told her of his desolation at losing his closest friend, how he was drinking heavily and was inconsolable. Eventually she’d actually been so fearful for him based on Archie’s latest description of his activities and had asked Archie to take her to the pub with him on the spur of the moment.

By the time they had arrived, misgivings had already started to kick in and she had instinctively wanted to leave. When she had steeled herself and walked in, she’d been greeted by the sight of a Finn with his arm around a skinny brunette in an oxblood leather jacket, he may have been looking pale and tired but nevertheless he had been smiling at that girl. She had been hit by a violent wave of nausea when she heard his laughter and had inadvertently stumbled in a chair causing it to fall with a loud crash.

Once again she’d run away, this time with the sound of his voice calling her name ringing in her ears. That had been the last time she’d ever seen Finn Nelson. She’d only remained friends with the others on the condition that they were never to mention him in front of her again and she’d always been cautious when going to parties to ensure that he would not be going. Archie had spent hours trying to explain to her how Finn was feeling and to offer explanation but when faced with losing her for good, he’d reluctantly given in to her demands and unhappily conceded.

************************************************************

Rae had unpacked most of her cases and boxes, most importantly her vinyl and turntables were safely installed on top of the 1960s’ Stag dressing table. They may have been blocking the mirror but she had no intention of using it as dressing table. She had to stifle a laugh at the thought of her using the velour upholstered stool and sitting at the mirror to apply her make-up and put on pearl earrings. Ha bloody ha.

She looked out at the sky. Snow had been forecast and Izzy and Chloe were coming to collect her and they were going out for a girl’s night in the local bars. Although wine bars really didn’t appeal to her that much, particularly as there would be sweet fuck all chance of a snakebite, she was actually looking forward to the night out. The three of them being united again. She’d last come down to London briefly in late October and could only afford to stay a single night.

The three of them had spent a couple of precious weeks together over the summer post graduation. Chloe had then spent three weeks on Rhodes with her parents and Chop had taken Izzy to Cornwall for a couple of weeks holiday. She’d only seen Archie briefly as he’d been busy working in London in order to pay for his phd. This was the first time in 4 years they would all be living in the same place properly.

She now recognises her insistence on going to Manchester when she’d also been offered a place at a college in London was, for the most part, her attempt at moving on from the gang. Things had never been the same since…since the whole Finn incident. After the initial anger and hurt had subsided, she had spent a year realising that she’d lost her closest friend. She’d buried herself in college work. But the grief at losing her friend had been so intense and so devastating that she’d needed to have a fresh start, so Manchester it had been.

*****************************************************

The evening had gone so well. Rae had been overjoyed to be wrapped in the company of her friends once more. It had been so much more special and momentous though, because for the first time in three years, this wasn’t a short visit that was tinged by the inherent knowledge that their fun was a transitory thing that would soon be over with her return to Manchester or her friends’ return to London. She’d splashed out on a cab home as she was still trying to gather her bearings and work out exactly where she lived.

The only slight moment in the evening had come as Izzy had left to meet Chop. She hadn’t seen that much of Chop in the past three years. He and Izzy had come to stay with her a couple of times and they had all met up in the holidays for drinks at The Swan. But it had always been odd - just the five of them and she knew the others missed him. It had been on more than a couple of occasions when she had tried to pluck up the courage to suggest that perhaps she had overreacted all those years ago, that she had never meant for him to be banished from the group when she’d been around. But she had never quite managed to muster up the courage to speak those words.

She had always been afraid of what might happen, how she might feel and the memory of those first few months without her closest friend beside her and the extraordinary torture of his loss and these deeply visceral fears had suppressed those words that a part of her had longed to say. She’d rehearsed them in her head so many times whilst sat in the pub, looking at his empty seat.

She had dated through the course of her years at University. It had been light hearted and fun. There had been one relationship that had lasted several months; he had been a good looking, tall, bright undergraduate studying English literature. They had spent hours discussing books and characters and had even joined a drama group together. But all along, something had been missing, that deeper connection, which she knew could exist, had never developed on her part. She wonders if maybe they would still be together now, had she never experienced that intuitive, innate connection that transcended a shared love of music, which had been one that meant each of them only felt true to themselves with the other.

****************************************************************

Finn had been living with Mrs Jones for three months. He had even surprised himself in choosing to return to study by doing a Masters after a year spent travelling and working around the world. He had struggled through his music degree in Liverpool. Had it not been for Chop’s cousin and the football club and his tutor’s brother Nick, who had been sound engineer, he thinks he would never have survived. He had missed his friends terribly and had become quiet and withdrawn; the first year being his own personal purgatory.

He had met up with the gang a few times in the holidays, but he had been only too aware of the hushed conversations and the parties and nights out that he had not been invited to because she was going to be there. The loss of their friendship had been a burden that had been almost intolerable for him. Had it not been for Nick, taking him out to all sorts of gigs and getting him involved in local radio, he wonders what would have become of him. He had become increasingly grumpy as it had dawned on him that she genuinely never wanted to see him again.

He regrets that kiss with everything in him down to the depths of his being. But he can’t lie to himself as he knows he wanted to kiss her more than he had wanted anything else in his life. To this day he could swear that she felt the intense passion of the kiss in the same way he had and hates the fact that his body had innately responded to hers and frightened her off.

It had taken him weeks to even begin to accept that not only did she not feel the same way about him, she could also no longer even stand to be in the same room as him. The loss of his closest friend had driven him to despair, drinking and trying to find solace in the arms of a girl. There had been a lot of girls, women really, it was not as if he had ever been short of offers. Most of the time, they had just been dates, one night stands even, chosen in a vain attempt to find that connection again, a connection that had affected him so deeply, its loss had brought him to his knees.

Most of the time the dates had brought him brief physical comfort and scant emotional solace. There had been one relationship that he thought might be the one to save him - Anna. She was a pretty petite brunette with a wicked sense of humour and great taste in music, so he had thought. He’d even taken her home and introduced him to his dad and the gang. But that had been when he’d realised that he had been trying to fill a Rae shaped hole with an Anna shaped peg and she simply wasn’t enough. He had felt horrendous guilt when he’d broken it off and travelling had been his attempt at penance and the search for a new start. He’d hoped to find something in himself to accept and come to terms with his loss.

It had only been towards the end of his time travelling, when Nick had joined him, that he had decided to do a masters. He wanted to study more and learn before moving on to get a job. A Masters wasn’t at all necessary in order to become a sound engineer but he knew he needed the time for his own personal good. An old family friend had offered him a room at a reduced rent in exchange for him helping around the house with jobs and the dogs.

Mrs Jones, Sarah as he’d come to know her had three golden retrievers who needed regular walking. He’d been surprised when she’d offered him the huge master bedroom with its open fireplace and en-suite bathroom with a huge cast iron Victorian bath. But Sarah was an artist, she slept and painted in a suite of rooms on the second floor. She was hugely impractical and quite frequently Finn found himself having to buy milk and bread just to make sure there was some food in the house.

The dogs had free run of the house. Two of them followed each other and Sarah wherever she went but the third dog, a young male always seemed a bit lost, a bit of a spare part. Sarah explained she’d adopted him from a young family who’d moved to the city and not had time for looking after him properly but he’d never quite settled in. On his first night, Finn had been playing 'Wonderwall' on his guitar when the young dog had joined him, curling up next to Finn’s warm body on the bed and he’d nicknamed him Noel. The pair had been inseparable ever since.

Noel slept on Finn’s bed and even went to the pub with him. Finn still walked the others along with Noel but he’d often find himself talking Noel for a walk when he wanted to think or needed some space. And he had eventually come to realise on one of these walks that Rae was utterly unique and irreplaceable and the blackness he had felt within him was grief. There had been no more girls, not even a single kiss since he’d moved to London. Chop and Archie had initially encouraged him and offered to set him up on dates. But when he’d explained to Archie, he just needed time and hopefully one day he would once again meet someone he could love for being themselves, his friends had stopped their campaign.

***********************************

Finn views his room from the vantage point of his bed which is currently situated in the very middle of the room. Sarah has once again forgotten to put the heating on and it’s bitterly cold. He looks around the room with its grey paint splattered walls and a smile develops on his face as he recalls how he ended up with this crazy Jackson Pollock-esque decor. Sarah had recently painted the walls grey ready for her new tenant but having met Finn, she had declared that grey simply wouldn’t do and Finn needed more colour in his life. Chop and Archie had visited and they had bought various tins of paint with the intention of painting some bold horizontal stripes at irregular intervals around the walls.

However, they had decided to start with a small room welcoming beer or two and Chop in his own inimitable fashion had been a bit silly and flicked some paint at Finn. He’d managed to duck it and the paint had hit the walls. They’d ended up having a huge paint based fight and varying amounts of paint had ended up splattered all over the walls and floor. He remembers that Chop and Archie had been rathered worried about what they had done but he’d immediately seen it and thought of John Squier’s artwork on the The Stone Roses album covers and he’d encouraged them to continue.  He’d been relieved that Sarah had been entirely relaxed and had even joined in helping them flick paint at the walls.

He thinks about lighting the fire but Noel is snuggled against him and he just pulls the tatty eiderdown tighter around him and wonders what he’s going to do with himself. He had suggested going out for beers to Chop and Archie but it seemed that both of them had prior engagements. He thinks he might take Sarah up on her invitation to join some friends of hers at a Christmas party. Sarah might be in her late 40s but she did have a fun and eclectic group of friends of all ages and he’d been completely surprised to have enjoyed himself at some of their parties.

*******************************************************

Rae sighs as she looks at the disseminated pile of clothes strewn all over the bed, the floor and the stool at the dressing table. She’s no idea why she’s getting herself so worked up over a night out in a pub. It is the first time the gang (well the reduced gang)  would be altogether since her move. Even though it’s snowing outside she still wants to look good and in the end opts for leggings and a dress even though jeans and a jumper would be far more sensible.

She knows she’s already hopelessly late when she starts to apply her make-up humming along to Blur. She can just peer over the top of her turntable to use the mirror. The thought occurs to her that there must be a short cut through the park. She knows Mrs Dewhurst’s sister Gertrude mentioned it to her a couple of weeks ago and she thinks she knows the route Gertrude was referring to but with her sense of direction she could quite easily get lost.

By the time she leaves the house, fresh snow is falling and Rae’s already 45 minutes late. Fuck it, she thinks, I’ll be brave and cut through the park. She puts her headphones in and sings along to the Stone Roses. It’s only when Bye Bye Badman finishes that she realises she should have been out of the park a long time ago. She realises she’s been so lost in the music that she hadn’t felt that her feet are soaked and freezing cold in her wholly inadequate Converse and she’s shivering. She stops, takes stock of her position and decides to head towards the only lights she can see, thinking she’ll get a cab once she’s out of there. In her haste to get going she doesn’t look down and trips over the corner of bench landing heavily in the snow on her right wrist and winding herself.

***************************************************

Somehow Rae manages to get herself up onto the bench having swept the worst of the snow off it. She’s shaking with cold now, her wrist is very sore and she’s hit with the realisation that she’s lost in a park in the middle of London. The irony of the situation dawns on her because she knows she can’t be that far from anyone but without a phone she can’t call anyone and she doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

She’s still sitting there a few minutes later when she realises that the wetness on her face is actually caused by her tears and not the falling snow. She sniffles and and cradles her sore wrist wondering what to do when she is greeted by two huge paws leaping up on her thighs and a wet tongue slobbering near her ear. The spell is broken and she giggles and pushes the dog down. She can hear a muffled voice calling in the distance “Noel…Noel…”

She pushes the dog towards the direction she thinks the voice is coming from “Off you go….go on…..go on you….” But the dog won’t leave her and resolutely stands by her side.

The voice is coming closer now and she thinks she must be imagining things because she’s sure she’s heard that voice before.

***************************************

Finn’s getting worried as Noel has just disappeared and not come back to his call, which was most unlike him. He stops trying to listen for any sound of his faithful companion when he thinks he can hear a slight sniffing sound. He calls out again and finally he hears a bark and hurries on towards the sound.

He comes to a tree and stops dead in his tracks. He’s sure he’s hallucinating because he could swear he can see her sitting on a bench in the snow. Her pale porcelain skin framed by her dark hair falling in curls past her shoulders. The wire from her headphones trailing down to her coat pocket. He’s not sure if he’s literally frozen to the spot when Noel barks again and she looks up.

He’s just too far away to read the expression on her face but he sees how she’s shaking and he finds the strength to walk towards her.

“Rae?”

She visibly seems to shrink back from him and a knot forms in his stomach.

“Rae?”

The trouble is Rae is so cold that she decides against cutting off her nose to spite her face and her survival instinct allows herself to respond.

“I….I fell over.”

Her words are all it takes for him to move closer to her. This time she doesn’t recoil and he gently sits on the snow covered bench.

“Erm Rae…. are you lost?”

“No…no I was just going for a walk and I tripped that’s all. I’m perfectly fine. Your dog came and found me that’s all.”

“Oh ok….well you’re shaking….where are you going? Perhaps I could walk you to ….to the right park gate or something.”

He realises that his mouth had nearly betrayed him and said “walk you home” and he bites his cheek.

“I’m fine really, there’s no need Finn.” Her tone is sharp.

This time she dares to look at him and she has to swallow when it really hits her that he is sat next to her. His beautiful freckled face is filled with an expression she can’t quite read but from all those years ago, she intuitively sees the hurt hidden there.

This time her tone is soft and warm. “Thanks for asking though Finn, its really kind of you.”

He swallows and looks at her again, her whole body is shaking and the way she’s holding her left wrist with her right hand troubles him. Suddenly he is hit by a feeling awakening deep inside him and it physically chokes him to the point he can’t help but cough.

“Not given up smoking then Finn?”

“Nah…..I tried but….” He can’t vocalise that he’s never been able to let go of it because everytime he couldn’t cope because the pain of missing her was so intense he’d light a cigarette and have a cup of tea as that was the only way he knew how.

Finn swallows “Rae….I really think you need to get somewhere in the warm, it’s pretty cold out here and you’re just sat still….it’s not good for ya.”

“Finn, it’s fine honestly and I do really appreciate your concern but you really should be getting this fine chap back. I’m just going to sit here and listen to the end of the album and then I’m going to get going.”

He dares to appraise the rest of her and he notices that her clothing appears to be wet through and he can’t help the words that fall involuntarily from his mouth.

“Girl….. I can’t leave ya here like this. Please just come with me…..ya never have to speak ta me again or anything….I just …just” his voice cracks and breaks.

Rae steels herself sufficiently to glance in his direction and is utterly taken aback to see tears streaming down his face. His reaction perplexes her in the context of what had come pass between them and she struggles and fails to make sense of it. But she realises if they leave now words will remain eternally unspoken and she’s surprised to find that this frightens her more than potentially making a fool of herself by asking what she should have done years ago.

Her hand finds his arm and she buys herself a little time to consider what exactly to say.

“Here,” she says handing him an earbud.

He looks up and takes the earbud and a smile forms on his face.

Oh God, his smile. She has to take a deep breath as she is mesmerised by his familiar expression.

“So then, what delights are you going ta inflict on me today? Backstreet Boys p’haps?”

He smirks and she glares at him. Expressions ingrained from their relationship, never forgotten.

Rae turns the music on and a huge grin spreads over his face as 'Made of Stone' comes on.

“Still listening to the Roses then? You know this one’s a 9/10.”

“Only a nine? It’s way better than that Babylon Zoo shit you always insisted on playing.”

He starts to laugh and then his features are clouded by a frown and he swallows.He shifts closer to her so that their bodies are pressed tightly against each other. He feels her shaking more and he’s torn between ruining what he fears could be the last time he ever sees her again, or the start of something new and fragile and doing what he instinctively knows he should - getting her out of the cold. In the end he knows he knows his only real option is to sacrifice his feelings for her well being because her needs are more important than his.

“Girl, we’ve really got ta get ya out of the cold you….you’re in real danger of hypothermia….your coat’s really wet and …”

“I’m fine, Finn. I’m sure you must need to be somewhere… don’t let me keep you.” Rae has no idea where her words have come from. She’s afraid that she’s lost her only opportunity now and is desperate to prolong this time but doesn't know how.

“Well at least take ma coat, will ya?” He says.

“You’ll freeze to death without a coat, you dickhead. Then both of us will be cold.”

“Nah, you haven’t seen me sweater yet.” Finn takes his coat off and gently puts it around her shoulders, revealing a very heavy navy woollen jumper with a white fleck.

“Ya’ve got ta look at this beauty. Me landlady Sarah gave it to me… belonged to her husband I think….she’s always forgetting to turn the heating on and she knows I come out to walk the dog and…well.” He stops realising that he’s wittering on, something he so rarely does these days and he bites his lip and rubs his hands together looking at the floor.

“Rae?”

Rae’s heart is beating fast in her chest, she knows its now or never.

“Finn, why did ya kiss me….. I mean, all those years ago, back in the cupboard?”

Finn takes a sharp intake of breath. He had not been expecting that question, and he perceives this may be his only chance to try in some way to mitigate what came to pass between them.

“I….I….I kissed ya because I wanted to.” He bites his lip so hard that he draws blood.

Rae realises her mouth is hanging slightly agape. “But….but you…you said…you said you wished you never kissed me, Finn….you can’t say that.”

Finn winces as something starts slowly to seep into his being but he can’t quite disentangle it yet and he’s taken over by the urge to talk.

“Yeah, I can say that Rae because I did want ta kiss ya…more than anything. And…. and then, after I’d kissed ya….well, it seemed that kissin’ ya was totally the wrong thing ta do…ya didn’t want ta be anywhere near me, and ….and when I found you havin’ a panic attack, and I knew that was all my fault because I’d kissed ya and ya didn’t want me ta……. and then ya ran away from me…… and I …I never ..never wanted to hurt ya…. because that’s the last thing you should you when you… when you...” He know he can’t say what he was about to say and settles for “like someone”.

Rae’s heart is hammering in her chest, her mouth is dry and she is staring straight ahead. The realisation had not dawned on her slowly, it had hit her very hard and it had virtually knocked the breath from her body.  She feels completely out of control as her breathing continues to speed up and she feels the familiar pins and needles in her toes and fingers and her vision starts to get blurry as visions of the unnecessary pain of the last few years flash before her.

She is brought back from the brink by a warm pair of hands taking hers firmly and she feels them being pressed against thick wool.

“Here lean against me girl….It helps to lean against something solid, right?”

She shuts her eyes and leans against his chest; she can just feel his heart beating quite quickly in his chest but it’s nowhere near as fast as hers. She gradually becomes aware of music playing in her ear again and she feels the panic starting to subside and then she realises she’s in his arms, his lips are in her hair as he’s softly singing I am the Resurrection to her. She clings onto him tightly unable to cope with the unbelievable reality of being in his arms.

Eventually she pulls back, and her voice comes out in a near whisper “You… you wanted to kiss me?”

“Of …of course I did…you…you were so ….are so …so beautiful and so ..so amazin’ …..I wanted ta …for like ages, Rae…I’m so sorry, I couldn’t help but like ya and I …I tried to pour ma feelin’s in ta that kiss…so you knew how I felt and …..and I’m so sorry ya didn’t want me ta….I didn’t realise…..I know I was probably being a bit passionate like…..and  oh fuck… ……fuck…..fuck Rae I’ve missed ya….I’m such twat for thinking you could have ever wanted..”

Rae’s still in a state of shock, and it takes her a while to realise he really is distraught, which is manifesting itself in badly disguised sobs and she feels like she is going to suffocate with the realisation of the enormity of the misunderstanding and its ramifications.

She reaches out and touches his face and he finally looks up at her. She traces the tracks of his tears on his cheek with her fingers, worry in her eyes.

“Oh shit Finn…I’m the dickhead…I’m the dickhead who wanted you to kiss me for so long and then I go and panic that you would’ve kissed any girl that way because you’re Finn Nelson…I’m the dickhead who thought you were embarrassed of being in that cupboard for such a long time with me that I ran off…..I thought you’d just done it to be polite …you know, because we were friends.”

There’s silence as he visibly struggles to process what she’s said and the distressing implications of it and he can’t seem to cope. The immensity of it all makes him want to flee but instead he he faces up to the situation and chooses fight over flight.

“Come on Rae, how could ya not have known from that kiss? D’ya honestly think I would kiss any girl that way….really Rae… for fuck’s sake…ya must have felt ma boner pressing against your leg ….. do you…”

“You had… oh…oh fuck I ….oh shit, Finn. I was just so into kissing you, hoping you…..oh Finn, I’m so sorry.”

He pulls her in tight to him and can’t help but contemplate the what-ifs. Despite the fact he’s genuinely cold to the bone a warm feeling starts to suffuse him, but it’s stopped in its track when she starts to speak.

“But you were with Stacey, Finn, that evening and then that girl when I came to the pub that other time… it can’t have meant that much Finn.”

“Rae…. you know I couldn’t stand Stacey…shallow cow….she kept trying to sit on me lap and I kept pushin’ her off and she just wouldn’t leave me alone so I just did my best to ignore her…..and then I said that awful thing Rae…. I said….I told ya I wished I’d never kissed ya because I really never wanted ta hurt ya and upset ya because I thought you hated me for kissin’ ya like that and …….and that girl in the pub…..well ya wouldn’t take ma calls, ya wouldn’t even be in the same room as me….and Chop….fuckin’ Chop thought he’d set me up on date, didn’t he and …..I was trying to find something to fill the hole that you’d left Rae because it fuckin’ hurt, girl….and if you must know, I’ve never...“ his voice becomes a whisper, “...never even come remotely close to filling that hole… it’s still there, Rae.”

The force of his feelings is so strong he stands up tears in his eyes and walks a few steps away from her but is brought back to the current situation by Noel’s bark. He walks back to her and gently kisses her cheek. Then he bites his lip so hard with anxiety about whether he’s done the right thing that he again draws blood and it dribbles down his chin.

Rae looks up at him. “Finn..come here.” She says softly.

He squats in front of her, brow furrowed, and she leans forward and tenderly wipes the blood of his chin. She looks into his eyes, and for the first time she fully comprehends his nervousness around her, and she reaches out with her good hand again and can’t resist cupping his cheek.

“You are such a dickhead …but then I’m hardly perfect myself.”

“Nah, you’re a dickhead too, girl.”

“Oi, you cheeky git,” she says and bops him on the nose with her finger.

He bops her nose back and suddenly they both stop to look intently into each other's eyes. Neither breaks the look, but their heads move imperceptibly closer together until their lips softly meet and they share a short kiss.

His hand tangles in her hair and he pulls her close against him and kisses her forehead.

“I’m not going to ask ya this time Rae because we both need to get into the warm and get dry …..I mean my left nut is most certainly in danger of frostbite and the right’s not far behind…..and I think…I think you might need ta get that wrist looked at.”

“Oh well, I suppose we should …I mean I wouldn’t want to be responsible for your nuts falling off.”

His eyebrows shoot up and he he helps her up.

“So where you headed, Rae?”

“Umm, I was going to The King George to meet the gang….. suppose you could walk me there if …if that’s ok?”

Finn nods and slips his arm around her. He realises that’s what Chop and Archie’s prior engagement had been and he berates himself for this whole ridiculous situation. Noel walks closely next to him. He feels Rae rest her head gently on his shoulder as they are walking along and he tries to pull her closer to him, which proves to be difficult but he persists nonetheless.

He puts Noel on the lead as they leave the park, and when he stands back up he takes Rae’s good hand in his. He’s relieved they’re headed for the King George as at least he knows Noel will be welcome there and then he wonders if *he* will be.

*****************************************

He pushes open the door and guides Rae gently to the table where he can see their friends sat. Chop is the first to stand up.

“What the fuck?” he exclaims.

All the others turn around and he watches their jaws drop in shock. He realises they must look a sight, both are soaked and shivering violently and he has a bloody lip.

Archie walks towards them. “Are you….. are you both ok?”

Rae’s shaking so much that Finn decides to take the risk and answer for both of them.

“Just fuckin’ freezin’ and soaked through. Girl, ya need to sit down, come on.”

Finn leads her to the table and helps her sit, but she won’t let go of his hand.

Chloe’s mouth is still agape and she finally manages to say something “How?” is all she can manage.

“We …we sort of bumped into each other in the park….got a bit lost didn’t I, looking for a short cut.” Rae answers.

Finn’s reluctant to pull his hand away from Rae’s, so he nods to Archie who crouches near him.

“Arch, can you get us some tea and a couple of treble brandies…wallet’s in me coat” he nods gently towards Rae.

As soon as Archie lifts the coat off Rae’s shoulders, he realises that she’s soaked through underneath and he knows he has to get her out of it now to allow the heat of pub to warm her, otherwise they are going to need a trip to A&E.

“Rae, let me get you out of this coat so you can warm up.”

She nods and let’s Archie remove her coat and he notices her wince on pulling one of her arms through. He’s about to suggest he looks at it but Finn’s already there carefully examining her wrist. He cannot comprehend what on earth is happening and then he sees Finn gently kiss Rae’s injured wrist and he has to turn his back and take deep breaths otherwise he’ll probably drown them both in a sea of inquisition.

He walks to the bar and is not surprised to find Chop at his side.

Chops eyes were wide. “I had no idea they even knew each other were in London Archer….what the ruddy fuck is going on? Pinch me Archie.”

Archie pinched Chop hard and Chop slapped Archie back.

“Well that's certainly confirmed that neither of us is dreaming or hallucinating.” Archie smiled.

“Jesus, Chop… I have no bloody idea what’s going on, but I suggest we keep our mouths shut and don’t wade in with our size 10s because I had long given up hope of the possibility of ever having those two in the same room again.”

Chop nods sincerely. “Aye Aye captain,” and takes the drinks back to the table while Archie pays for them and waits for the tea.

Chop notes that he’s shaking when he sets the drinks down and then notices that the pair are holding hands. He cannot process this and wanders round to the far side of the table and decides to tell a story about work with a silly joke in it.

He’s halfway through when he notices Finn down the brandy in one.

“Jesus, Nelson…. that was a treble.”

Finn raises his eyebrows and Chop gets the message and gets back to his story. Rae sips at her brandy and it’s all gone in the 15 minutes it takes the landlord to organise the unusual order of a pot of tea in the Christmas party season.

Finn pours out two steaming cups and adds sugar to both. Rae eventually lets go of Finn’s hand to clasp both hands around the hot cup. She’s still shivering and she sips the liquid down. She’s feeling a bit woozy now and leans her head against Finn’s shoulder.

She feels something that she never thought she’d ever experience again, letters traced out slowly and deliberately on her leg under the table. YOU OK?

She glances up at his face and smiles. Then she starts to shiver again. RAE YOU OK?

She realises that she’s not replied and gently traces TIRED on his leg.

She revels in the protective hug he pulls her into. Another shot of spirits has arrived in front of him, which he sips this time. She nudges him and he brings the glass to her lips and she allows herself a couple more mouthfuls.

She traces on his leg HOME.

He’s not sure what she means - does she want him to leave? He’s considering this when he feels her fingers again. TAKE ME HOME.

He doesn’t react immediately, but subtly makes a show of being cold and tired and then casually makes excuses and helps her up, putting his coat on her and carrying hers. She says goodbye to her friends and they walk out of the pub with Noel.

The gang were still in such a state of shock that none of them questioned their leaving together.

*********************************************

They finally made it back to her house, hand in hand through the snow. They stop awkwardly at the front door.

“Rae, you really should get that wrist seen ta, I think it’s just a sprain or summat …but you need to get warm first. ….Promise me you’ll have a hot bath as soon as you get in? I’m really worried about ya….”

He bites his lip and tastes blood again. He doesn’t want this evening to end but he’s so afraid of losing her again that he doesn’t want to push his luck and suggest anything.

He catches sight of her gesticulating upwards and he’s so overwhelmed by everything else that it takes him an inordinate amount of time to catch on.

“So what do you think ? For old time’s sake?” she asks, pointing at the mistletoe.

He pulls her close. “Of course I want to.”

“Good, because I don’t’ think it will get any use otherwise - Gertrude’s quite past the male admirer stage I should think,” Rae giggles.

She’s still giggling when he presses his lips against hers. It starts slowly - a few small soft kisses before he completely loses sensible conscious thought and runs his tongue along her lips and then places a succession of small kisses against them causing her to sigh and he tentatively puts his tongue in her mouth. She reciprocates and his hand tangles in her hair as the kiss continues, neither wishing to break apart.

Eventually Rae steps back. “Jesus.”

“Jesus indeed,” he replies.

“Suppose I’d better have that bath then.” and with that she let’s herself in and whispers goodnight to him before shutting the door.

Finn is reeling. He stands there for a good 5 minutes before he realises he still has her coat in his arms and he hangs it off the door knob before making his way home with Noel. By the time he gets there, he has no idea how he got there. He’s thoroughly confused, and emotionally and physically exhausted.

*************************************************************

Rae had woken up having had a very strange dream that she and Finn were friends again. It took her quite a few minutes to realise that it wasn’t a dream and last nights events really had happened.

She replayed the situation in her mind time and time again and was left absolutely reeling. She decided to ask Gertrude about her wrist as she was a retired nurse. Yes, a day in with Gertrude playing cards and reading books was just what she needed.

The phone had rung several times during the day. Gertrude had never said a thing - she really was quite relaxed about Rae’s attitude to these things. Eventually Rae had realised that whoever it was , wasn’t going to stop. She had picked up the receiver to a barrage of questions from Chloe.

She realised that she should have expected this because if her friends were even a tenth as confused as she was, it was not surprising that they were in turmoil and wanting answers. In the end she’d explained that she’d literally bumped into Finn in the park and that they’d talked and that was it. Chloe had had enough sense to understand that Rae was probably still in shock and had left it at that. She suggested they meet up for Christmas drinks the next day.

Rae’s quiet day had done nothing to assuage the swell of feelings swirling around inside her. She’d taken some painkillers with a glass of sherry that Gertrude had offered. The sherry had tasted vile and it had taken a lot not to spit it out all over the floor.  She’d at least slept well that night.

The following morning Rae decided to do some washing when she came across Finn’s coat. It presented her with a real dilemma. Fuck, they hadn’t swapped numbers or anything. She had no idea what part of London he lived in. Her doubts started to form a mist around her and she kept trying to recall exactly what he had said and done.

One thing was clear and that was that he wanted to be friends again. The raw and pained emotion she had seen on his face would stay with her for a long time as would her guilt at having never even tried to question him before and just having walked out of the friendship without a word. But this time she even dared to hope that there was a possibility that existed beyond friendship.

But it was so unclear, the possibility of them being friends, let alone anything else had seemed so alien. But then again, she remembered the way he had held her and pulled her against him. And then there was the kiss, but of course she had initiated it …but then again he was the one to introduce tongues.

In the end it was the recollection of his tears that did it. She decided if he had been prepared to lay himself bare in that way, then she could bloody well make the effort to meet up again. She decided that she would call Archie and ask for Finn’s number.

She’d spent the day studying and it had been a difficult day as she had so much she needed to catch up on having missed two months study already. Her wrist had been sore and she’d not managed to catch up with Izzy for their usual lunchtime cup of tea. She was still bewildered by the events in the park and somehow found herself , three sherries down, holding Finn’s coat in her arms cuddling it close and breathing in his smell. That’s when the piece of paper fluttered out of the pocket.

It looked to be some sort of bill with his name and address on it. She resolved she would go round the next day as it was a Saturday and return the coat. She wouldn’t let herself chicken out because he needed that coat, it was December, there was snow on the ground and he had a dog to walk.

*************************************

Rae still wasn’t sure she had the right place and was overcome with a nauseous feeling of anxiety. Nevertheless she stuck to her resolve as she had to know and knocked on the door. There was no answer, so after a couple of minutes she knocked again, there was still no answer and more out of frustration than anything else she knocked a fair bit harder. She was about to leave and had already turned round when she could hear noises from inside the house.

The door opened and she was greeted by a lady with messy blonde hair piled up in a half fallen out bun on her head, paint smudges on her face and fingers.

“Err…I ….I well I probably have the…the wrong house but I er…I think Finn Nelson might live here and I…I have his coat and I…”

“Do come in my dear its freezing outside…you don’t mind dogs do you?”

Rae shook her head and the lady smiled. “Well I’ll leave you to it, need to get back to it…don’t want the paint to dry quite yet…..”

Rae was utterly bewildered as the lady started walking up the stairs  and then somewhat absent mindedly called behind her “Middle floor dear.” and disappeared.

Rae stood rooted to the spot for quite some time before her feet finally obeyed her and took her up the stairs. She found herself with three open doors to choose from. The first two bedrooms were empty.

She opened the third door with her heart in her mouth. As she walked into the room she was met with a sight she knew she would never forget. For Finn was sleeping in a bed in the middle of the room. She took in the paint splattered decor, the books and Noel snuggled in against Finn.

Noel opened his eyes but did not stir. Finn had one hand in his hair and the other slung around Noel. A faded eiderdown was around him but his shoulders and some of his chest were most definitely uncovered. Rae swallowed as she took him in. His beautiful sleeping face with its freckles and his body… what a body. She noted the tattoo of a record on one shoulder, which most certainly hadn’t been there when they were in college together; it was yet another reminder of the years they had spent apart.

She was absolutely paralysed, unable to say anything or to move. She felt that she had been rooted their for hours when it had in fact simply been a couple of minutes, before her old fears and self-deprecating views in light of his physical perfection had kicked in and she’d simply walked out of there leaving his coat on the floor and letting herself out of the house.

***************************************************

Finn had woken late, having slept well with Noel in the bed. Noel was not always the best of bed companions but he’d sensed Finn’s turmoil and not left his side since that night in the park. Finn stretched and yawned and rolled onto his back causing Noel to jump down onto the floor.

Suddenly, something caught his eye, something that shouldn’t be there - his coat. He leapt out of bed and picked it up and smelt it. He could just about make out the faint smell of lavender and he ran out of his room up the stairs and into Sarah’s studio.

“Finn?” she said

“Me coat, Sarah….how did it get here …..I mean, who brought it back?”

“Oh…she didn’t stay then? A tall pretty, shy girl brought it back about an hour or two ago… I told her where your room was.”

“Well what did she say?”

“Not much really….something about not being sure this was the right house and she was bringing your coat back.”

“Oh.” His face fell. “Oh”. He swallowed and turned around.

“Finn….. tell me to get lost but is this the girl……the one from years ago that you’ve moved on from?”

He turned to face Sarah and nodded.

“A word of advice from the old, then.. I don’t think you’ve moved on…in fact, if I were a betting woman, then I’d put money on you still having feelings for her…”

Finn frowned and bit his lip to try and assuage the turmoil building inside him that threatened tears.

“And…..I may be wrong as it was only a brief encounter but …well I think she might have feelings for you too. ….. Talk to her Finn…for god’s sake talk to her.”

Finn nodded dumbfounded and happier.

“Oh and Finn….may I be so bold as to suggest that you put some clothes on first.”

Finn looked down and realised he was stood in his boxers and nothing else.

“Oh….. thank you Sarah… thank you.”

Sarah smiled. She and Gary would meet up for the occasional drink and she had heard of something about the relationship when Gary had tried to explain his fears for his son. She smiled and hoped that Finn would heed her advice - these Nelson men were not natural talkers.

******************************************

Finn had gone round to Rae’s house that same day, full of hope and expectation only to find the house empty. He’d tried not to be too disappointed and had popped into a cafe for a coffee and had returned. This time the door was opened by an elderly lady with whom he’d left a message and his phone number because she still wasn’t home. It shouldn’t have been too much of a shock because she was probably studying or Christmas shopping he rationalised but he could not stop the pervasive feeling of disappointment filling him.

Finn walked to Chop’s garage and Chop had literally dropped his tools. They had talked over tea and he’d tried to answer Chop’s questions as best and honestly as he could.

They’d met up with Archie for a pint that night and and the three had chatted. Finn decided against asking for Rae’s number, instead settling for going out with them in a couple of days when he knew there was a possibility of her being there as Archie explained that Chloe and Izzy were due to join them.

Archie offered to ask Izzy to ask Rae for her number but Finn firmly declined explaining he did not want to push things; he was simply grateful that she had spoken to him again. He had staggered Archie with his statement that however unbearable it would be if that was all Rae wanted he would willingly tolerate it, just to know that she was alright.

Archie then comprehended that Finn’s feelings for Rae had never ceased. There had been a time, when Finn was with Anna, that he’d thought that Finn had finally moved on but it was just a short lived illusion. He looked at Finn and for the first time he knew, even if Finn hadn’t realised it himself, that Finn loved Rae.

***********************************************

Finn had worked himself into more and more of state over the next two days. What had happened with Rae was so incredible, so unbelieveable that he started to question whether it had actually happened. He then started to wonder whether he had imagined that kiss and questioned whether it simply represented a Christmas kiss under the mistletoe for old times’ sake.

He tried to keep busy and helped Sarah put up a Christmas tree in the hall. Sarah loved colour and insisted on putting on many strands of bright lights, tinsels and a motley collection of handmade ornaments of varying vintage. Sarah had insisted on taking Finn out shopping for more decorations and food and drink for her annual Christmas party. They had spent the best part of the day shopping in strange little shops and markets. Sarah insisted on regular tea breaks. Finn had been relieved when they’d sat down outside one cafe and Sarah had lit two cigarettes passing one to Finn.

“I had no idea you smoked” he said puzzled expression on his face.

“Good God, Finn, really? I may not smoke upstairs but have you never really seen me out in garden? It’s bad habit, but one I like to periodically indulge in.”

“I see.”

“And just so there’s no confusion, it’s fine for you to smoke out of the bedroom or bathroom window.”

Finn blushed. “Sorry….”

“Finn listen to me its fine. If I had a problem with it, I would have told you. You know you are really like your dad in some ways. “ Sarah sighed and took another drag of her cigarette.

“So you talked to this girl yet?”

Finn shook his head and bit the inside of his cheek.

“Haven’t even seen her yet…she wasn’t there and I left me number but she hasn’t called me…so she probably….well the kiss was probably just. you know, one of those kisses for old times’ sake…suppose it doesn’t mean she has feelin’s for me now.”

Finn winced as he realised he’d actually said those words outside.

Sarah’s hand covered his spare hand on the table. She was taken aback with his blunt honesty and she could read the hurt in his expression.

“Oh Finn…. you know these things are best discussed face to face right? How do you know how she feels about the kiss if you haven’t asked her? May I ask what happened the other night?”

Finn bit his lip again and then stuttered through a potted version of his relationship with Rae and events the other night. Tears formed in his eyes as he came to the close of the story when he tried to explain his feelings and all the years of hurt and not knowing.

Sarah got up and hugged Finn.

“Right then…..you absolutely must talk to her…even if the news isn’t what you want to hear, that’s surely got to be better than not knowing. “

He nodded and whispered his thanks.

“Right then, we have more shopping to do before we freeze to death.”

The pair arrived back at Sarah’s house just as darkness was falling, they had to take a taxi as they were so loaded down with decorations, gifts and food. Sarah made the tea whilst Finn let the dogs out. They spent an hour sorting through their purchases and putting the new decorations up.

“Come on Finn, this lot’s for you…do you want to go and put them up?”

Finn frowned as Sarah passed him a large paper carrier bag. He looked in the bag and saw a host of decorations and Christmas paraphernalia.

“Can you help me?” He asked. “Please.”

“Of course….I’d love to.”

Finn was slightly embarrassed at the messy state of his room when Sarah walked in but she just smiled and shook her head.

“Looks like we have a bit of work to do here then.”

Finn went straight to his decks and put the Beatles Blue Album on. He saw Sarah’s hand involuntarily cover her mouth and she turned her back to him. He slowly walked towards her and gently put a hand on her back.

“Sarah…you…you OK?”

She turned to face him and gave him a small smile.

“This was one of Paul - my husband’s favourite albums…..I… I haven’t listened to it in years….it just…takes me back.”

Finn swallowed. “Da mentioned him…I’m sorry he….”

“Finn it’s OK, it was 10 years ago now…it’s alright….it’s just it’s Christmas and once again my wonderful son is going to be in New York with his wife’s family and I’m going to miss them …a lot.”

Finn thought and suddenly their chaotic household made sense.

“Is that why you’re having such a huge party and …”

Sarah nodded “I can’t stand an empty house at Christmas….it’s just horrid. Look will you please invite all your friends to the party on the 23rd. It would be great to have them round and you must try and invite Rae.”

Finn smiled at her and nodded. They listened to the Beatles and hung several strands of coloured lights around the room. Finn found some unusual paper decorations made out of recycled sheet music in the bag and he smiled putting these up at the window.

He saw Sarah raise an eyebrow and indicate towards his bed. “When did you last wash these Finn?”

He shrugged.

“Shall I?”

“You don’t have ta…”

“Don’t be silly… come on let’s get this room sorted out properly.”

Whilst they were eating supper in the kitchen, dogs at their feet, Finn decided to ask.

“Erm….I was kind of wondering if you’d mind if I didn’t go home for Christmas…”

“You know you can stay but your dad Finn…I’m sure he’d like to see you.”

“I know I’m bein’ a bit presumptious here but I was kind of hopin’ that perhaps we could ask da to join us?”

Sarah was quite taken aback. She put her fork on her plate.

“That….well I’ve a couple of my old friends coming because their daughter’s moved away but if Gary wouldn’t mind it….I’d love that Finn…..”

************************************************************************

Rae decided to dress up to meet the gang in the pub. She had put on a sparkly dress with leggings and had actually sat down and tried to put her make-up on at the dressing table. Gertrude had lent her a fabulous vintage starburst necklace. Chloe had told her Finn would be there tonight and she wasn’t sure how she felt about that.

Gertrude had recounted how Finn had come around and had stuttered through the conversation and left his phone number. But she had simply not been able work up sufficient courage to call him. Chloe and Izzy had both encouraged her but it simply hadn’t been enough to override her overwhelming sense of fear. Even Archie had called her to make sure she was coming out and he had mentioned that Finn was hoping to see her. This news helped to convince to actually go because at one point she thought she should probably just stay at home.

In the end she’d been so lost in thought that she was nearly an hour late to the pub. She took her hat, scarf and coat off and made her way over to the table, heart in her mouth. As soon as she got there her heart sunk - Finn wasn’t there.

She sat down and let Chop buy her a drink. Chop’s cousin Fred was there and she knew that he’d been at Liverpool University with Finn.

“You alright, Rae?” Izzy whispered.

Rae nodded. “Yeah of course.”

Chloe squashed up next to her “You sure, Rae? You seem really quiet….you look amazing by the way …very glam.”

Rae raised her eyebrows. “Suppose.”

Rae couldn’t seem to get into the spirit of the evening and decided she would head off home.

“You can’t go Rae….I am sure Finn’ll be here soon” said Chloe.

“Who said anything about Finn?” Rae retorted sharply. “Night Chlo.”

Rae had her hat, coat and gloves on and was on her way out of the door when she literally walked into Archie.

“Shit, sorry Archer.”

“Rae, where you going? It’s only 9pm, for god’s sake.”

“Just…just don’t feel like it tonight.”

“Please wait Rae…. I am sure Finn’ll get here soon and I know he wanted to talk to you.”

Rae rolled her eyes. “Well he’s over an hour and a half late Archie, he would have arrived by now if he really wanted to talk to me.”

With that Rae made her way to walk out of the pub, but Archie put an arm out to stop her.

“Rae….this stops now. How can you think...  oh, it doesn’t matter. Look, I am sure Finn is coming but ….he lost Noel out on walk this afternoon …. I was with him and I think he’s been looking ever since. “

“Oh….”

“I thought he would have found him and been here by now.”

“Where were you walking when Noel disappeared?”

“In the park? Why?”

Rae didn’t answer, she was straight out of the door and running towards the park without giving it a second thought.

*************************************

It dawns on Rae as she reaches the park that this might not be her best ever idea for a number of reasons. Firstly, Finn could have found Noel hours ago and was either on his way to the pub right now or he could have decided to stay at home instead (stop being paranoid Rae she told herself). Secondly, she hardly needed to remind herself about how she got lost last time she was in the park on her own. Thirdly, she wasn’t really adequately dressed to spent any real time outside on a snowy December’s night as she had literally thrown her coat over her dress and missed out any sensible layers such as cardigan or jumper.

It’s too late now she thinks as she reaches the park gates. She wanders in and decides to head towards the bright lights in the middle where a large Christmas is standing in the bandstand. She’s trying to listen out for any signs of Finn but the silence is deafening. When she reaches the bandstand, she realises the frivolity of her unconsidered plan. Was she just going to stand there for hours and wait to see if Finn or Noel passed by? Was she going to call their names? She sits down in defeat and starts to think about what feelings are behind the instinct that unquestionningly brought  her here.

She’s deep in thought when a small movement in the distance catches her eye. She blinks, thinking its a trick of the light or tiredness but it’s still there.

“Noel….Noel come here …..Noel …Noel” she calls out into the darkness.

The movement she saw in the trees seems to cease and she hangs her head and turns the other way to call out. She’s calling out so loudly that she doesn’t hear him approach. When she turns back around she is faced with the site of Finn walking towards her, head tilted downwards , dejection evident in his posture.

“Finn. oh Finn” she says and walks straight up to him and embraces him.

She can feel him shaking with the cold in her arms and hears his cracked voice. “I can’t find Noel anywhere Rae…I can’t find him anywhere…..he just ran off after something in the bushes and I …. that was about 4pm …. I don’t know what ta do.”

“Shushh Finn, it’s ok… it’ll be ok….”

Without warning, her memory takes her back to a time long ago when they’d been at college and she had held that sexy party and she’d held him in her arms, comforting him after the death of his beloved nan. She contemplates how close they had had been and how on earth she had come to loathe him. It hits her that now that he is just as vulnerable as she was and is and she cannot comprehend how she ever lost sight of that.

She kisses his forehead.

“Finn…I think we need to get you home….at least get something warm in ya and we can come out again but….” her voice trails off.

She takes his hand on hers and starts walking until she realises she has no idea which way to go.

“Err Finn…..urm you know I don’t have the best sense of direction.”

She hears his gentle chuckle. “This way girl,” he says quietly and leads the way.

When they reach the house she hesitates about whether she should go in with him, but is distracted when he leans on the door and stumbles through because it’s only on the latch.

He lands in a heap on the hall floor and Rae's eyes open wide as she catches sight of the wonderland inside - all the hanging paper decorations and beautiful tree. She’s still taking the sight in when there’s is a bluster of activity and three large dogs come running in and one leaps on Finn.

“Noel…oh my god Noel…where have you been, you silly boy?” Finn chides.

She’s smiling at him hugging his dog when Finn’s landlady her with mass of unruly blonde curls comes in.

“Finn, thank god you’re home….where have you …..” She stops mid sentence when she sees Rae.

“Hello…..I  am sorry, I should have introduced myself last time…I’m Sarah.”

“Hi I’m…I’m Rae.”

They both look down at Finn and Sarah breaks the silence.

“Jesus, Finn, how long have you been outside…. your lips are blue..

“I..I lost Noel about 4 ish and I’ve been looking for him ever since. Where did you find him?”

“He turned up barking at the door a couple of hours ago. Christ, Finn, why didn’t you call? I would have come to help you. Look, you must be freezing cold…. I’m making you both some hot mulled wine and mince pies….no arguments……first you must have a hot bath young man…I don’t want frostbite or hypothermia on my watch. “

Finn stands up and holds his hand out to Rae. She stands there looking at it not quite sure what this gesture means.

“Go on the pair of you…upstairs now. I’ll bring the drinks up when they’re ready.”

Rae takes Finn’s shaking hand and is shocked at quite how cold he is. When they reach his room, Rae’s breath catches in her throat when she sees all the lights. As Finn reaches out to turn the main lights on she finally finds her voice.

“Don’t….it’s so pretty as it is Finn.”

“Not as pretty as you are.” He mumbles and quickly disappears behind a door at the far end of the room leaving her to wonder if that’s what he really said.

She hears the sound of running water and takes off her coat, hat and scarf placing them on a chair.

Finn leaves the taps running and walks back into his room. He stops in his tracks when he catches sight of Rae in her dress. He knows there won’t be any second chances this time and he swallows his pride and takes her hand.

“Christ girl you….you look beautiful…not that I haven’t always thought you were beautiful.” He blushes and looks at the floor.

He dares to look up and sees her biting her lip and it does something to him. He takes a deep breath and kisses her cheek and then he remembers the bath.

“Rae bathrooms in there” he nods towards the bathroom. ”You have first dibs you’re pretty cold too.”

“No Finn you must ….look at you your lips are blue” and her fingers reach out and touch his lips, her eyes full of compassion.

“Rae I’m too cold to get in the bath yet. I insist you have first dibs and I’ll light the fire. I promise I’ll go in after you.”  He leans in and kisses her on the cheek.

She smiles and sighs and wanders off to the bathroom.

Rae shuts the door and undresses. She can’t quite get her head around what is happening. She’s actually undressing and he’s only on the other side of the door. She hears the sound of an familiar tune playing and smiles…only Finn Nelson would prioritise music over heat.

She gets into the enormous cast iron bath and revels in the warmth of the water. She pours in some bath oil she sees on the edge and allows her senses to be overcome by the music, the heat and the musky oil.

She’s reluctant to get out of the bath but knows Finn needs the hot water. She looks around and grabs the largest towel she can find. She picks up her damp clothes and thinks about putting them on but then again, today is a day to be brave and she knows they need to be dried. So she walks out towel wrapped around her, clothes in her arms.

Finn turns around and swallow thickly when he realises Rae Earl is really standing in his room just wrapped in a towel. He’s so lost in his thoughts that he doesn’t hear her speaking the first time.

“Earth to Finn where can I hang these to dry out?”

He quickly relieves of the clothes pausing as he takes them to get lost in her eyes for a few seconds. He hurriedly arranges them on a chair in front of the fire.

“Erm Rae” his voice comes out huskily. “You can borrow some of me clothes - they’re all in there” he says gesturing at the tallboy.

“I’m urm just er going to have that bath…ok?”

She nods and he quickly backs out of the room.

He smiles when he realises she’s left the water in the tub and it smells of Sarah’s bath oils that he borrowed a few weeks ago after a fall playing football. He strips himself quickly disgarding his clothes in a heap on the floor. The hot water soothes him and he starts to feel sensation flooding back into his feet. He slips his whole body under the water holding his breath. His whole mind is filled with thoughts of her and what he’s going to say to her.

He’s relieved that she hadn’t run off or rebuffed him when he’d told her she was beautiful. He knows he’s going to need every last bit of strength in him if he’s to lay himself bare and tell her how he really feels.

Rae roots through Finn’s drawers and finds an old Oasis T-shirt which she puts on over her underwear and then finds a familiar plaid shirt. One of hers. It’s far more threadbare than she remembers and she swallows, understanding that he’s kept it all this time and worn it. She decides against borrowing his tracksuit bottoms as she’s not sure they will fit and instead pulls the eiderdown over her legs and sits in front of the fire.

Sarah comes in with a tray of mulled wine and mince pies.

“Here you go dear…..Do you need anything else?”

“No but thank you …thank you for this.”

Sarah pauses just as she’s about to leave. “I know it’s not my place and feel free to tell me so but…but he really cares about you….I know he probably doesn’t say it but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel it.”

She thinks she’s said too much and quickly makes to leave the room when Rae speaks.

“I’m beginning to understand that.” She smiles as Sarah leaves the room and picks up the mug of mulled wine and curls her legs up on the sofa in front of the fire.

Finn emerges from the bathroom with a small towel wrapped around his waist as Rae had used the large one.  He’s drying his hair on a hand towel and wanders over to the sofa.

He stops when he sees what she’s wearing.

“One of my favourites that,” he says quietly and makes his way towards the tallboy to get some clothes.

“It's alright, come here.” Rae pats the sofa beside her. She swallows when he sits and she’s faced with the half naked glory of Finn Nelson right next to her.

Her eyes cautiously travel over his body and she bites her lip. It’s not as if she hasn’t seen him like this before, as they’ve been to pool parties at college, but this time is very different.

He watches her eyes and bites the inside of his cheek hard feeling very self-conscious.

“I should probably put something on.”

“You don’t have to on my account.” She says the words coming out with conscious thought. “You can share the eiderdown if you want though.”

He nods and shuffles towards her. He has to swallow thickly as she pulls back the cover for him and he realises her legs are bare.

She hands him a drink and he slowly sips it.

“Fuckin’ hell, what’s in this?” He pulls a face.

“It’s mulled wine you div? You honestly telling me you’ve never had it before?”

He shakes his head his eyes focussed on her lips. He bites his own lip hard and puts his drink down. Now or never Finn, now or never.

“Urm…Rae …may I …may I kiss ya?”

She startles and looks towards him and sees his teeth sunk into his bottom lip.

“Not now Finn…” She sees the disappointment cloud his face and this spurs her on.

“First,  first I need you to understand Finn… I need you to know I think I’ve still got feelings for you, because when you kissed me the other night…”

He words are stopped by his lips meeting hers. She responds and then pulls back.

“Finn…I need to know.”

“What the fuck do you think?… It may come as a surprise, but I’m not in the habit of snogging the face off Archie, or any of the other of my friends for that matter, and…”

This time it’s his words being cut short by her kiss. The kiss soon changes tempo as he begins to nip at her bottom lip and uses his tongue to caress her mouth and lips.

He ends up pressing her down on the sofa, her hand runs down his bare back and his hand finds her breasts, the kiss never breaking. Afterwards, he wouldn’t be able to say exactly when the towel came undone but he would remember the feeling of her hand on his arse.

“Oh shit… shit, sorry Rae,” he says trying to gather up the towel and hide the evidence of the effect her body had had on his.

She smiles and pulls him back into a kiss and grabs the towel throwing it to the floor. He knows now that she can feel him against her and she’s tilting her pelvis into his and letting out these small gasps.

He pulls back. Her eyes are wide, her hair mussed up. “What is it Finn?”

Now or never Finn, now or never.

“Rae I….I …I need… no, want... no, need to make love to ya, but I understand that you might not...”

“Oh…oh ..right..oh...” He sees she’s considering his words.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have said it,” he says running a hand through his hair. “It’s just that I’ve….I’ve had feelings for ya for years, and I..” he stands up in total fear of what he’s just said.

“Well… that’s probably a good thing because I think I might just have feelings for you too… and it would be a shame to waste that,” she says, gesticulating at his very evident hard-on.

His mouth hangs agape for a second and then he holds his hand out to her and pulls her in close. The kiss that ensues is slow and very passionate. Eventually he pulls away and moves her aside.

Quickly he shunts the sofa out of the way and drags the bed in front of the fire. She grins at his plan. She takes off the last of her clothing, making him stop dead for a few seconds. He gently leads her to the bed and lays her down. His lips never leave hers as their hands explore each others bodies.

Rae cannot believe this is actually happening, she’s on a bed, naked with Finn Nelson, and she knows she’s far more turned on than she’s ever been. She also knows that he really wants her, not just because of his words and the state of his body, but also through the way he is grinding himself against her, husky moans coming out of his mouth.

At some point he ends up lying directly on her and he naturally finds a position between her legs. They are still kissing when he gently slides into her and her eyes blow wide open.

He stops for a minute allowing her to get used to the sensation and to gather his thoughts because otherwise he’s probably going to last all of a couple of minutes. He finds a slow rhythm that elicits soft moans from her and he starts to kiss her again. He can feel her breath gradually become shorter and shorter and he adds a slight rock of the pelvis into the rhythm.  He’s about to add his fingers to the mix when he feels her breath catch in her throat and he feels an incredible tightening around him. He actually has to concentrate to allow her pleasure to continue before he finally allows himself to feel his own mind-blowing release.

Half an hour later, they are still in each other’s arms and he is absent mindedly stroking her hair.

“Stay the night won’t you…I couldn’t bear it if I woke up and you weren’t here with me.”

Rae frowns, she still cannot comprehend what’s just happened and her strong self preservation instinct kicks in.

“Finn, we’ve only just started to talk again….”

He looks at her, brow furrowed and this time she reads the expression correctly as one of hurt.

“It’s just… isn’t this all going a bit fast… a week ago we weren’t even talking and I …”

“Rae, do you want to stay the night? Simple question - Yes or No?”

She nods. “Then stay Rae. It’s really that simple. I think I am falling in love with you… fuck it, you know I’m in love with you, and I need you with me if you want ta be here… assuming ya do feel something for me?”

She bites her lip. “Finn… I do... I mean I’m still in love with ya…so yes, I want to stay.”

He smiles and pulls her tight to him “Each day as it comes Rae…each day.”

************************************************

Finn thinks he’s dreaming when he wakes up. He has no idea what time it is, the house is surprisingly quiet and Rae is asleep in his arms.

He grunts as she presses her naked form against him in his sleep and he realises he has the mother of all morning glories. He can feel her stir now, and he can’t help but kiss her.

*******************************************************

The gang all stayed at Chloe and Izzy’s. Archie and Chop were up early cooking breakfast. They all discussed what had happened to Finn and Rae over coffee and croissants (well except for Chop who insisted on eating Sugarpuffs).

Archie was terribly concerned about where Rae had gone the previous evening, and what on earth had happened to Finn. In the end they all decided to go round to visit Finn en masse and see whether Noel had turned up, and then they would go and see Rae.

When they arrived at Sarah’s house, Archie was surprised that the door was on the latch. They all wandered in and could hear the familiar strains of Portishead coming from upstairs.

“Finny-boy must be in,” said Chop and they all followed him upstairs to where the music was coming from.

The bedroom door was wide open, so neither Archie nor Chop saw any harm in walking in. Archie stopped dead in his tracks muttering, “Jesus” when he caught sight of Finn and Rae causing Chop to walk straight into him.

“Fucking hell,” said Chop seeing what Archie had just seen.

Finn turned his head towards them. “What the… get the fuck out will yas…”

Chloe and Izzy, who had been deep in conversation, suddenly looked to see what the fuss was all about, and they looked at each other, eyes wide.

“Fuck’s sake,” Finn said, pulling the covers further over Rae.

“Fuck’s sake indeed,” said Archie pulling Chop back out of the room with him.  Archie somehow shut the door and they walked down the stairs in state of shock.

“Oh hello,” said a blonde lady who Archie recognised to be Finn’s landlady “You alright?”

“Fuckin’ hell,“ said Chop.

“What’s wrong, can I help?” asked Sarah.

“It’s just we….we just walked in on Finn and Rae…..and”

“Really …” Sarah looked at her watch “Christ, its been two hours now.. thought I safe returning.”

Sarah realised what she’d just said.

“Would any of you like a cup of tea?”

********************************************************

It was the day of Sarah’s party. Finn was really excited because his dad was coming and all their friends. He’d also persuaded Nick and Chop’s cousin Fred to come. Rae had invited Gertrude although she’d only been back to her room to collect clothes and vinyl in the intervening time. Finn couldn’t believe how lucky he was to have Rae, and Sarah had been so relaxed about her staying. He was contended with how well Rae and Sarah had got on - both of them seemed to love chatting for hours about books and art.

Sarah took Finn aside that morning and into the large drawing room off the hall.

“Finn could you..could you do me the honour of organising the music for tonight? She gestured towards a large teak table-sized structure which she opened to reveal a vintage turntable and a huge pair of speakers.

“ I think it should still work…it was Paul’s along with this lot”  Sarah opened a cupboard to reveal shelves of vinyl.

Finn immediately understood the significance of the request. “I’d love to Sarah and thanks… thanks for you know…”

“It’s alright Finn”. She embraced Finn.

“Make it a good one tonight Finn….. you know your dad used to DJ at all the parties we went to.”

Finn’s eyebrows shot up and he smiled.

Rae had gone back to her room to get some clothes and to get ready for the party. Gertrude had been really excited to come with her. In the end she’d decided to let Gertrude into her confidence about Finn and her concerns about how quickly things were moving. Gertrude’s response had shocked her.

“My dear, if it’s meant to be…it’s meant to be. And you should follow your heart and not listen to what others say. If you love each other then so be it. And as for rushing…Arthur and I met and were married within 6 months and we were married over 40 years before he passed.”

Rae had hugged Gertrude. The two had walked arm in arm to the party.

What a party it was. Many of Sarah’s friend’s had turned up - they came from all walks of life - doctors, teachers, musicians and artists. Finn had pulled his dad to one side and explained what had happened with Rae. Gary had a wry smile on his face but he was also relieved that they were finally talking and he had to admit it was fantastic to see Finn happy again.

Rae had danced nearly all night long with all her friends. Chloe had gone off talking to a musician and at some point and Archie had disappeared.

Finn had eventually found Archie and Nick talking in the small back study. He peered around the door and quickly left. It suddenly dawned on him why he’d never seen Nick with a girl and he cursed his own stupidity at constantly trying to set him up with girls.

He found Rae in the kitchen stroking Noel and had taken her out to the hall to dance to Otis Redding’s These Arms of Mine. She had put her arms around his neck and he had whispered in her ear.

“You’re so beautiful…so amazin’ and I am so sorry I never told ya properly before…. I fuckin’ love ya.”

“Finn” she breathed as he pulled her in very tight dancing suggestively “Finn there are still people here.”

“I don’t care Rae….everyone needs to know how I feel about ya.”

“Yes but I don’t think they need a physical demonstration…. remember the other morning.”

Finn started to laugh into her neck and Rae couldn’t help but join in. It had seemed mortifying at the time that the gang had walked in when he was still deep inside her. They’d lain there for while and she had been a little cross with him for not shutting the door in the first place that was until he had resumed his previous exquisite rhythm and she’d completely forgotten the gang were probably still in the house. They had emerged some twenty minutes later and jointly faced the sea of questions from their friends deciding clarity and honesty had to be the way forward.

She whispers in his ear “I love you Finn now will you please kiss me.”

They stood there kissing long after the song had finished. As they walked up the stairs to bed, Finn glimpsed Archie and Nick kissing in the kitchen and he smiled.

****************************************************

Breakfast the following morning was an interesting affair with people constantly walking in and out of the kitchen making themselves drinks and breakfast, the table was constantly surrounded by people.

Sarah explained that she had Gertrude to join them for Christmas lunch the following day.

Archie was quiet and Finn picked up on it and pulled Archie to one side.

“Archie you ok?” He had asked and Archie had nodded.

Finn sighed. “Archie is this about Nick?”

Archie shook his head. “No it’s…it’s all this talk of bloody Christmas day tomorrow…I’m actually just staying in the flat by myself….my dad still can’t cope with the fact that I’m gay.”

“Oh shit. I am so sorry”. Finn pulled Archie into a tight hug.

“Why don’t you come here then I am sure Sarah won’t mind.”

Somehow Sarah seemed to know what was going on and had played cupid by inviting Nick to join them for lunch - an invitation which he had gladly accepted. Rae and Finn had had to spend a couple of hours buying extra food as lunch for 5 had turned into lunch for 9.

That afternoon Chop drove Izzy and Chloe back to Stamford. That evening Finn and Rae caught his father and Sarah dancing in the drawing room. Finn’s eyes had blown wide in shock.

“Come on Finn….. she’s lovely and they’re both single…”

“Yeah but ..”

“No buts Finn, you can fall in love and be in love at any age.”

“Suppose…..” He mulled this over before speaking “I….I hope I get to drink my cocoa with you Rae ….when we’re old like.”

“Finn really….”

Her words were cut off by his kiss.

***********************************

Sarah and Gary were eating breakfast on Christmas morning when Noel started to bark. They left the kitchen to see what he was barking at. They could both hear a clear rhythmic banging noise emanating from Finn’s room. Gary frowned and was about to suggest they went up to investigate when his son’s husky voice could just be heard.

“Good… yeah?”

This was followed by a series of moans increasing in pitch.

Gary’s eyes widened. “Oh my god Sarah… I am so sorry.”

She laughed “Gary….they’re in their twenties and in love what do you expect… stop being such an old prude…”

“But… “ he put his hand over his eyes as he could hear his son’s loud groans.

“Well you could ask him to shut the door.” Sarah laughed.

********************************

Finn smiled as he sat down around the kitchen table for Christmas lunch. He looked around seeing his dad, Sarah, Sarah’s friends the doctors, Archie, Nick, Gertrude and of course Rae. They were very late sitting down to eat and all had drunk rather too much Champagne.

“Here’s to the true meaning of Christmas” Sarah said raising a glass.

“To baby Jesus “ said Nick who was not very secretly holding Archie’s hand under the table.

“To Father Christmas” said Gertrude in gest.

Finn even surprised himself when he spoke “Here’s ta love and ta friendship… sharing and opening doors literally and erm metaphorically……fuck it….sorry excuse me language….as most of ya know three months ago I moved ta London only knowing a couple of people and I …I’m ashamed to say I never told people what I really felt because.. I was afraid of what they would think but…but ….but I’ve been given a second chance and I have to tell everyone that being here with all you now is amazin’ and I feel ….I feel like I’m home at last.”

He turned to Rae and picked up her hand. ”Girl…..I don’t care who hears it …thank you for giving me a second chance. My home is not a particular place….nah home for me is being with you….I am completely and hopelessly in love with ya.”

Rae blushed. “How much have you had  to drink Finn.”

Finn frowned and shrugged .

So Rae continued “Well it’s a bloody good thing really because I love you Finn Nelson.”

She leaned forward and kissed him.


End file.
